Existential Kink | When What You Don’t Want Is Exactly What You’re Getting
Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott
There’s a confronting idea at the heart of Existential Kink (a concept by Carolyn Elliott). What if part of you is getting off on the very things you say you don’t want?
Not consciously. Not in the way your rational mind would ever admit. But somewhere, in the shadowy, hidden layers of your psyche, there is satisfaction.
The Hidden Pleasure in Pain
We’ve all experienced patterns that don’t seem to make sense.
Being drawn to unavailable partners
Reaching a ceiling in our career and stalling
Repeating cycles of rejection or being overlooked
On the surface, it feels like bad luck. Or circumstance. Or something external. But Existential Kink invites a more uncomfortable truth. A part of you is being deeply fulfilled by this.
That part might enjoy:
The familiarity of rejection
The identity of being overlooked
The safety of not fully stepping into your power
The emotional intensity of struggle
This doesn’t mean you’re “choosing” suffering consciously. It means your psyche is more complex than your stated desires.
Reclaiming Power
The shift happens when you stop positioning yourself as a victim of life and start getting radically honest.
Not in a shaming way. Not in a harsh, self-critical way. But with curiosity.
Because the moment you see that there isn’t some external force controlling your experience, that something in you is participating, you take your power back.
The Paradox
Here’s the paradox. The more you allow yourself to feel the hidden “pleasure” in the pattern, the less control it has over you. Resistance keeps it alive. Awareness dissolves it.
Practices: Working with Existential Kink
These practices are designed to be playful, honest, and non-shaming. The tone matters.
1. The “Dark Pleasure” Reflection
Pick a pattern in your life that frustrates you.
Ask yourself:
If I’m brutally honest… what might I be getting out of this?
What part of me enjoys this dynamic?
What identity does this allow me to hold onto?
Let the answers be uncomfortable, even absurd.
This isn’t about truth with a capital T, it’s about loosening the grip of the unconscious.
2. “Healthy Self-Sabotage Appreciation”
Instead of beating yourself up for self-sabotage… try appreciating it.
Yes, really.
Say (internally or out loud):
“A part of me is brilliant at keeping me safe.”
“A part of me loves creating this pattern.”
Notice what shifts when you stop fighting it.
3. How to “Beat Yourself Up” the Healthy Way
Most people already criticise themselves, but in a way that creates shame and paralysis. This is different. Conscious, playful exaggeration.
Try this:
Over-dramatise your pattern in a humorous way
Make it almost theatrical
Example:
“Ah yes, here I am again, masterfully avoiding success. Truly elite-level self-sabotage. Olympic standard.”
The key is tone:
Not cruel
Not shaming
Slightly amused, self-aware
Why it works:
It brings the unconscious into awareness
It removes the heaviness
It disrupts the pattern without attacking yourself
4. Sensation Over Story
When you notice a familiar pattern (e.g. rejection, anxiety, avoidance), pause. Instead of analysing. Drop into your body. Notice sensations (tightness, heat, contraction).
Then ask, “Can I allow this feeling… and even find something interesting or pleasurable in it?” This is where the deeper shift happens.
5. Choosing Again
Once the pattern is seen, felt, and owned, you have more choice. Not forced change. Not pressure. But space. From that space, ask, “What would I choose if I didn’t need this pattern anymore?”
Final Thoughts
Existential Kink isn’t about blaming yourself for everything that happens in your life.
It’s about reclaiming authorship. It asks you to step out of the story of “This keeps happening to me”. And into something far more powerful. “Something in me has been participating in this, and now I can choose differently.”
Not through force. Not through willpower. But through awareness. And perhaps, a little dark humour along the way.
