A Guide to Processing Your Emotions
Emotions are part of being human, yet many of us have learned to do one of two things with them: suppress what we feel or become swept up in it. We might push anger down because it feels unacceptable, distract ourselves from sadness, or become caught in the thoughts and behaviours that accompany anxiety. At other times we may express an emotion very strongly, but still find ourselves returning to the same emotional loop afterwards.
Emotional digestion is a useful way of thinking about this. Just as the body needs time to digest food, our emotional experiences often need space, attention and sometimes expression.
Moving from the story to the experience
When an emotion arises, the mind naturally wants to understand it. We think about what happened, who was responsible, what should have happened instead and what the experience says about us. This narrative can be valuable. Sometimes we need to understand why something affected us, recognise a pattern or put words around an experience that has never been acknowledged.
But there are also times when thinking about an emotion keeps us circling around the same material. We can understand why we're angry and still be angry. We can know exactly where our anxiety comes from while our chest remains tight and our breathing shallow. Cognitive understanding and embodied experience are related, but they aren't always the same thing.
One way of working with emotion is therefore to temporarily put the story to one side and become curious about what is happening in the body right now. Instead of immediately saying “I'm anxious”, you might notice that your chest feels tight, your stomach is fluttering, and your hands feel cold. Sadness might be experienced as heaviness behind the eyes or pressure in the throat. Anger might come with heat, muscular tension or an impulse to move.
Feeling an emotion without becoming consumed by it
Sometimes simply naming an emotion is useful: I'm angry. I'm frightened. I'm sad. At other times, those labels can quickly reconnect us with everything we believe about why we're feeling that way. Moving towards sensation can create a little space between the immediate experience and the interpretation we place around it.
You might notice, There is tightness across my chest. There is heat in my face. My jaw is clenched. Something in me wants to push away. Rather than immediately deciding what those sensations mean, you can become curious about them. Do they remain the same? Do they move? Does your breathing change? Is there an impulse towards movement, sound, tears or stillness?
This is part of what is sometimes described as a bottom-up approach: paying attention to bodily sensation and experience rather than beginning exclusively with thought and interpretation. It isn't a replacement for reflection, coaching or talking therapies, but another way of accessing information about our experience.
Importantly, the purpose isn't to make the emotion disappear. If we approach a feeling with I'll let myself feel this so that I can finally get rid of it, emotional processing can become another attempt to control our experience. Sometimes an emotion changes as we give it attention; sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes there are tears, trembling, movement or a sense of relief, while at other times the shift is much quieter. We may simply discover that we can experience sadness without becoming overwhelmed by it, feel anger without immediately acting on it, or notice anxiety without believing everything the anxious mind is telling us.
Emotions as energy
Within some of the spiritual and embodied traditions that inform my own practice, emotions can also be understood as forms of life energy. This isn't a scientific explanation of emotion, but it is a perspective that I personally find useful. An emotion has movement, intensity and sensation. Anger may feel hot and expansive; fear may contract the body; grief may arrive in waves; joy may feel spacious or enlivening.
From this perspective, we don't necessarily need to divide our emotional experience into feelings that are desirable and feelings that need to be removed. We can become interested in how different emotional states move through us and what happens when we allow ourselves to experience them without immediately suppressing, judging or acting upon them.
This is particularly relevant to emotions we have learned are unacceptable. Perhaps anger wasn't welcome in your family. Perhaps sadness was interpreted as weakness. Perhaps enthusiasm was considered too much, or expressing a need felt selfish. Over time, we can become very skilled at moving away from particular emotional ranges. Part of emotional development can therefore involve expanding our capacity to experience more of ourselves without assuming that every feeling needs to dictate our behaviour.
There isn't one way to process an emotion
Emotional processing doesn't have to mean sitting quietly and concentrating on a feeling. Sometimes the body wants movement. Walking, stretching, shaking, dancing, exercise, or other forms of physical activity can change our relationship with an emotional state. At other times, stillness, meditation, or simply allowing ourselves to feel what is present can be more appropriate.
Sound can also be powerful. A sigh, humming, toning, crying or allowing the voice to emerge can offer forms of expression that aren't always available through ordinary conversation. Writing, talking to somebody, being witnessed, spending time alone or being in nature can all support us differently.
There is no single correct pathway. An important part of developing emotional awareness is learning to recognise what you actually need, rather than applying the same technique to every feeling.
Sometimes we need to feel. Sometimes we need to understand. Sometimes we need to express. Sometimes we need another person. Sometimes we need movement or rest. And sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is stop focusing on the emotion altogether and return to ordinary life.
How do you know when an emotion has been processed?
A wave moving through the body, warmth, tingling, tears, trembling, spaciousness, or a feeling of release can all arise during emotional digestion.
A useful question might be: Has my relationship with this emotion changed?
Perhaps you can think about what happened without becoming as activated. Perhaps something that previously consumed you now has more space around it. You may recognise an emotion earlier, communicate it more clearly or have more choice about what you do when it appears. You may still feel sadness about something painful, but no longer feel frightened of the sadness itself.
Processing doesn't necessarily mean never feeling the emotion again. Some experiences matter deeply enough that they may continue to touch us. Change can lie in our increasing capacity to experience what arises without either suppressing it or becoming completely governed by it.
An emotional digestion practice
You can use the following practice when an emotion is present, and you feel you have enough capacity to spend some time with it. I would begin with something manageable rather than deliberately bringing up your most painful experience.
Find a comfortable position and allow yourself to notice the support underneath your body. You might lie down, sit somewhere comfortable or place your legs against a wall if that feels restful. Before turning towards the emotion, spend a little time noticing where you are. Feel the floor, chair or bed supporting you, listen to the sounds around you and notice your breathing without trying to change it.
When you feel ready, bring your attention towards whatever emotion is already present. Notice the story surrounding it, but don't fight with the story or try to make your mind blank. Simply recognise: there's the story. You might imagine placing it beside you temporarily, knowing that you can return to it later if you need to.
Then become curious about the direct experience. Where do you notice it in your body? Is there tightness, pressure, heat, cold, heaviness, tingling, numbness, movement or something else? What happens if you stay with that sensation for a few moments without trying to explain it?
Notice whether your body has an impulse. Perhaps you want to stretch, curl up, push your feet into the floor, sigh, make a sound, move your arms or become very still. You don't have to act on every impulse. Begin simply by noticing what is there.
Rather than trying to make the sensation move or release, allow yourself to discover what it actually does. It might intensify, soften, move somewhere else, remain unchanged or disappear from your awareness entirely. There is no particular outcome you're trying to produce.
When staying with an emotion isn't helpful
If an emotion begins to feel overwhelming, your awareness becomes narrower, you feel increasingly disconnected, or you find yourself disappearing into the story rather than remaining curious about your experience, it may be more useful to move your attention away.
Look around the room. Feel your feet against the floor. Notice something pleasant or neutral. Stand up and move. Speak to somebody. Make yourself a cup of tea. Go outside.
In somatic work, we sometimes use the terms titration and pendulation to describe approaching difficult experiences gradually and allowing attention to move between greater activation and something that feels steadier or more resourced. We don't necessarily need to experience everything at once.
You might spend twenty seconds noticing the tightness in your chest and then notice your feet. Return to the chest if it feels appropriate, and then look around the room. The movement away isn't necessarily avoidance. It can be part of developing the capacity to remain connected with ourselves while difficult experiences are present.
Other practices that can support emotional processing
Different approaches can offer different ways into emotional experience. Tara Brach's RAIN meditation practice combines recognising and allowing an experience with investigation and self-compassion. This Emotional Digestion by Christomer Hareesh Wallis approaches emotion through an energetic and contemplative framework, while the Sedona Method explores our relationship with holding on and letting go.
My own work with somatic bodywork and de-armouring can also involve working with emotion through touch, breath, sound, movement and bodily awareness. The intention isn't to search the body for emotions that need to be released, but to create space to notice what is present and work with what emerges without forcing a particular outcome.
Tantra Kriya offers yet another perspective. Through breath, movement, attention and practices traditionally understood as working with subtle or life-force energy, the emphasis may be less on getting rid of a particular emotion and more on changing our relationship with the energy of the experience. I regard this as a spiritual and energetic framework rather than a physiological explanation of emotional processing.
You may be interested in reading this blog on Emotional Addiction and Understanding and Navigating Your Emotions.
