Attachment Theory - How It Shapes Your Relationships & How to Break Free from Toxic Patterns
Have you ever found yourself anxiously overanalysing a text from your partner? Or maybe you tend to push people away when things start getting serious? If so, attachment theory might explain why.
Developed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1960s, attachment theory explores how our early childhood experiences shape the way we connect with others in adulthood. While much of the focus is on our parents—particularly our mothers—research shows that societal and biological factors also play a role.
Understanding your attachment style can help you break free from unhealthy patterns and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
The Three Main Attachment Styles
1. Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment
Picture a baby in a lab study. When their mother leaves, they cry uncontrollably. When she returns and picks them up, they continue crying. These babies struggle to feel reassured, constantly fearing that their caregiver will leave them again.
As adults, anxiously attached individuals often experience:
✅ Overthinking and overanalysing messages from their partner
✅ Constantly seeking reassurance in relationships
✅ Feeling on edge, afraid their partner will leave them
✅ Engaging in protest behaviours like excessive texting or jealousy
🔹When triggered, they engage in activating strategies—intrusive thoughts and emotions that spiral into anxiety. This often leads to protest behaviours, such as snapping, passive-aggressiveness, or irritability.
🔹 How to Heal: Learn to self-soothe, challenge anxious thoughts, and focus on reality rather than fears. Try asking yourself, "What’s the alternative explanation here?" instead of assuming the worst.
2. Secure Attachment: The Healthy Balance
Securely attached babies also cry when their mother leaves, but they calm down quickly once she returns. They trust that their caregiver is there for them.
As adults, securely attached individuals:
✅ Feel comfortable with intimacy but don’t fear independence
✅ Communicate openly and honestly
✅ Trust their partner without excessive reassurance
This is the ideal attachment style—but if you don’t have it naturally, the good news is that you can develop it through self-awareness and intentional effort.
3. Avoidant Attachment: The Fear of Intimacy
Now, imagine another baby in the same lab study. When their mother leaves, they don’t cry. But biologically, their stress levels spike. When she returns, they ignore her, acting as if they don’t care.
As adults, avoidantly attached individuals:
✅ Keep emotional distance in relationships
✅ Fear being smothered or losing their independence
✅ Find reasons to push people away (e.g., focusing on their partner’s flaws)
✅ Delay commitment and avoid deep emotional conversations
🔹 When triggered, they initiate deactivating strategies—subtle behaviours that create emotional distance. This can lead to protest behaviours such as ghosting, passive-aggressiveness, or nitpicking.
🔹 How to Heal: Become aware of when you're pulling away, reframe negative thoughts about your partner, and practice healthy vulnerability.
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: A Toxic Love Cycle
One of the most common yet dysfunctional relationship patterns is the Anxious-Avoidant Loop:
🔄 The anxious partner chases, craving constant reassurance.
🔄 The avoidant partner withdraws, fearing they will lose themselves in the relationship.
🔄 This push-and-pull dynamic creates tension that feels like passion—but it’s really just a cycle of insecurity.
Breaking the Pattern: How to Build Healthier Relationships
The key to overcoming attachment-driven behaviours is self-regulation—creating space between your triggers and your reactions. Here’s how:
✅ Recognise your triggers. Are you overanalysing a text? Feeling suffocated by your partner’s neediness? Pause before reacting.
✅ Extend the space between action and reaction. Instead of immediately texting back or pulling away, take a breath. This moment of pause allows you to choose a healthier response.
✅ Challenge negative thought patterns. If you’re anxiously attached, remind yourself that a delayed response doesn’t mean rejection. If you’re avoidant, recognise that emotional closeness isn’t a threat.
✅ Rewire your attachment style. Secure attachment can be developed! Work on open communication, emotional self-regulation, and seeking relationships with securely attached partners.
By taking control of your attachment patterns, you can break free from toxic cycles and build relationships based on genuine connection, not fear.
