Breaking Free from Emotional Addiction
We often don’t realise how addicted we are to certain emotional patterns. The guilt that follows saying no, the self-criticism that appears right after success, or the oddly familiar comfort of finding flaws in those who love us. These aren’t just habits; they’re emotional addictions that our inner saboteurs have refined over the years.
Think about your personal ‘operating instructions’:
☞ Do you automatically guilt-trip yourself for hours after disappointing someone?
☞ No matter how much you achieve, do you still feel not good enough?
☞ Do you unconsciously look for reasons why love, ease, or success shouldn’t last?
These patterns aren’t random. They’re well-worn programs running in your subconscious, quietly consuming huge amounts of emotional and psychic energy.
A Counterintuitive Way Out
The path to freedom isn’t fighting these patterns, which only strengthens them. Resistance feeds the very thing we’re trying to escape.
Instead, I want to introduce a beautifully subversive practice from Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott called “How to Beat Yourself Up (The Fun Way)” (chapter 3 in the book).
Rather than trying to silence your inner critic or saboteur, you lean into it fully, with awareness, exaggeration, and even humour.
How to Beat Yourself Up (The Fun Way)
Most of the time, our inner saboteur operates reactively. We fall into guilt, shame, or self-attack without realising what just happened. This version of the practice flips the script by becoming deliberate, ceremonial, and conscious.
Instead of waiting for the inner critic to ambush you, you invite it in.
Step 1: Write the Rules of Your Saboteur
Set aside 20–30 uninterrupted minutes.
Take a notebook or open a document and title the page:
“The Rules by Which I Must Feel Bad About Myself.”
Now write out exactly how you beat yourself up, in clear, absolute, non-negotiable terms. Be dramatic. Be ruthless.
For example:
I will guilt myself for at least three hours if I offend or disappoint anyone, for any reason.
Feeling supported and safe is strictly forbidden.
I must always find flaws in the people foolish enough to love me.
My value is 100% dependent on other people’s approval.
If I fail at anything, I must insult myself relentlessly.
I am absolutely not allowed to experience total self-forgiveness. ever.
The more I reject my own work and being, the more approval I will receive from authority figures.
I will absolutely never allow myself to enjoy my successful career, loving relationships, and healthy body. And if I do, then I will quickly return to feeling worthless or not good enough.
I must repress my aggressive and sexual feelings so they can only emerge as anxiety or depression.
My highest value is to feel bad about myself and help my loved ones feel bad by pointing out their failures.
Don’t soften the language.
Don’t psychoanalyse it yet.
Let the Saboteur speak freely.
When you’re done, read the list and notice, ‘this is already running me, unconsciously.’
Step 2: Turn the Rules into “Reverse Affirmations”
Now comes the fun (and slightly counterintuitive) part.
For the next 7 days, treat your list like a set of reverse psychology affirmations.
Each morning:
Stand in front of a mirror
Read your rules out loud
Do it with full commitment
You can:
Use exaggerated enthusiasm
Channel a Disney villain
Add an evil cackle
Bow dramatically after each line
Example:
“I AM ABSOLUTELY NEVER ALLOWED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY WORTH.”
This isn’t sarcasm, it’s conscious agreement.
Step 3: Remember the Point of the Exercise
This practice is never about bringing yourself down.
The point is to:
Expose the sadistic inner prohibitions already operating unconsciously
Make them explicit, visible, and conscious
Taste their absurdity fully
When you spell them out clearly and agree with them on purpose, they stop hiding in the shadows.
You begin to see:
“Wow… this is complet madness.”
And when the psyche sees its own extremism clearly, something softens..
Step 4: Spot the Core Prohibition
Most lists eventually boil down to one fundamental rule:
“I am absolutely never allowed to feel good about XYZ
(my worth, my body, my creativity, my joy, my success, my ease).”
Ridiculous, right?
And yet, if you don’t already feel fully good about XYZ, there is a part of you that unconsciously believes this rule.
This exercise isn’t about erasing that belief. It’s about honouring the part of you that holds it.
Step 5: Let the Shadow Finish the Dance
When you consciously affirm the Saboteurs’ rules, you stop resisting them.
And when resistance stops, something amazing happens:
The charge that you’ve been carrying inside your system drains
The grip, the attachment loosens
The survival pattern completes itself
It’s as if your unconscious shadow finally gets to finish a dance it’s been trying to complete for years.
No force.
No fixing.
Just awareness, play, and radical honesty.
Why This Works (On a Deeper Level)
This practice isn’t just playful; it’s deeply grounded in psychology, neuroscience, and shadow work.
1. Defusion from Negative Thoughts (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
By exaggerating your saboteur’s voice and making it absurd, you create a sense of detachment from those thoughts and emotions. This process is known as cognitive defusion, a technique used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Why it matters: It helps you see your thoughts as mental events rather than absolute truths, reducing their emotional impact.
2. Humour and Reframing (Neuroplasticity)
Humour activates the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure. This positive emotion creates a new neural association with self-critical thoughts, rewiring the brain. Why it matters: Instead of reinforcing shame, you're training your brain to associate self-awareness with lightheartedness and empowerment.
3. Exposure and Acceptance (Desensitisation)
When you fully exaggerate and play with your inner critic's voice, you confront it head-on, removing its sting. This is similar to exposure therapy, where repeated exposure to a fear or stressor reduces its emotional charge over time. Why it matters: Fully embodying and exaggerating self-critical thoughts makes them lose their power and feel less threatening.
4. Engaging the Prefrontal Cortex (Mindful Self-Observation)
By consciously dramatising your inner critic, you engage the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thought and self-awareness. This disrupts the automatic fight-or-flight response tied to shame and self-criticism. Why it matters: It brings awareness to the subconscious patterns driving your self-talk, enabling you to choose a different response.
5. Shadow Integration (Jungian Psychology)
This exercise helps you integrate your "shadow" (unconscious, repressed aspects of yourself) by acknowledging and owning the critical voice instead of suppressing it. Why it matters: By embracing even the negative parts of yourself with humour and acceptance, you create a sense of wholeness and reduce inner conflict.
6. Activation of the Parasympathetic Nervous System
Laughter and playfulness activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which counteracts the stress response and promotes relaxation. Why it matters: It breaks the cycle of shame and stress, allowing for a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
The Real Goal
The aim isn’t to get rid of your inner saboteur.
It’s to understand what need it’s trying to meet.
Most of these emotional addictions once served a purpose, keeping you safe, helping you belong, and preventing rejection. When you meet them with compassion instead of shame, they no longer need to shout so loudly.
By beating yourself up on purpose, you paradoxically stop beating yourself up unconsciously.
And in that space, something new becomes possible:
More ease
More choice
More energy
More self-trust
Not through force, but through awareness, humour, and deep self-acceptance.
